Shenron and Porunga's Excellent Apartment
by nedthejanitor
Summary: When Shenron and Porunga are forced to live together by court order, they must find a way to make ends meet while fending off hostilities from the mafia-esque Wish Council.
1. Move In Day

**Disclaimer: I swear on a set of big titties that I don't own Dragonball Z. In fact, I'll do whatever I have to do to a set of big titties to prove to anyone that I don't own Dragonball Z. Wanna see my list?**

Shenron paced- or rather slithered- back and forth, occasionally checking a watch he had facing up on the ground. No one seemed to understand what a tough time he had without any hands or feet, and this was a prime example of that. He couldn't just enter his and Porunga's new room, he had to wait for Porunga, and wouldn't you know it, the bastard was late.

"We both do nothing but lie dormant and wait for someone to use the dragon balls most of the time," the eternal dragon of Earth thought out loud, "the least he could do is show up on time to the only thing he's had to do in years."

"Not here yet?" The landlord surprised Shenron from behind. "He's only got thirty minutes left before his half of the lease agreement expires. So, he'd better get here."

Shenron growled, not turning around to face the landlord. It was frustrating enough that he was going to be sharing a place with a stranger just because they were both eternal dragons. But now he was going to leave them both hanging like this? Fuck him and his arms.

"**SORRY I'M LATE," **the booming voice of none other than Porunga blasted Shenron's hearing. **"YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE HOW HARD IT IS TO DRIVE A CAR WITH NO FEET."**

"I think I have some idea." Shenron nodded toward the door. "So are you going to open this for us, or should we just stand here and watch our leases expire together?"

"**YOU HAVEN'T SIGNED YOUR HALF YET?" **Porunga asked. **"I DID MINE YESTERDAY."**

"I don't have hands, Porunga."

"**YOU'RE A MAGICAL WISH-GRANTING DRAGON AND YOU HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT JUST WISHING YOURSELF A SET OF ARMS?"**

Shenron shook his head. "That violates the natural order. You know, the same one you and I argued about, and is now the reason we have to room together for a year in the first place."

"**JUST HOLD THE DAMN PEN IN YOUR MOUTH AND SIGN IT."**

()()()

"And here."

Shenron put his initial- "S"- slowly and difficultly onto another blank. With the pen limply dangling from between two of his teeth, it was difficult to even squiggle something that looked vaguely like an "S" onto the lease agreement. And if any of you reading this have ever signed onto a lease, you know how many fucking times you have to sign and initial more than one blank per page.

"And here." "_Oh, that one's shaped like a mountain range flipped on its side…"_

"And here." _"That one looks like an F. I have no idea how I managed that one."_

"And here." _"This one's coming out way too much like a penis than I'm comfortable with. Oh, God, I really hope Porunga isn't into making 'that's what she said' jokes."_

"And here." _"Whoopee, a turd."_

"Finally, here, here and here." _"Whoopee, three more turds."_

The landlord beamed at Shenron. "There, all done! If you don't mind…" She grabbed the pen out of Shenron's mouth and held it at the tip of her pincher, grossed out by the copious amount of dragon saliva coating it. Oh, I guess I need to explain what the landlord looks like now. She's basically a big lobster woman. Like that one Futurama episode where they traveled to Zoidberg's planet and this lobster woman raped Fry with her face. I recommend it.

"Alright, Mr. Shenron, unless you have any more questions for me…"

"Well, just one. Do any of those initials look too rough for you, like I need to re-do them?"

The landlord flipped through her copy of the lease agreement. She frowned slightly. "Well this one sort of looks like a penis."

()()()

"**THIS IS NOT GOOD." **It was Porunga's turn to pace (slither) around ineffectually and wait for his new roommate to get back. He took to the role about the same, only with arms. **"THIS IS SO NOT GOOD."**

The little exploration Porunga was doing of the apartment was going fine, until he discovered his two shoulder horns prohibited him from getting into the narrow hallway leading to his room and the bathroom.

Porunga continued to slither, needing a piss so bad he was occasionally leaving drops behind him, until Shenron finally knocked the door with his nose.

"**WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?" **Porunga asked before even going to the door.

Shenron looked through the window right next to the door to see Porunga wriggling slightly in place, doing a little pee dance. "I've been signing my lease and going over it, the hell you doing?"

"**PISSING THE FLOOR. GET YOUR ASS IN HERE."**

"I can't get in without-"

"**IT'S UNLOCKED. TURN THE DAMN KNOB ALREADY."**

Shenron sighed and bent his neck down like a giraffe. Taking the knob firmly between his teeth, he turned it and pushed the door open, hoping his new roommate wouldn't see too much- or any- of him doing that.

"**I TOLD YOU NOT TO USE MAGIC FOR STUPID THINGS."**

"I didn't use magic!" Shenron protested as he shut the door behind him with his tail. "I used my mouth on the knob."

"**THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID."**

If Shenron had a gun, he would have wished that he had arms so he could use it on either Porunga or himself. "We need to talk about what I'm going to do when I get here and you aren't here and the door is locked."

"**I KNOW SOMETHING BETTER WE CAN TALK ABOUT: MY BLADDER'S IMMINENT EXPLOSION UNLESS I GET TO THE DAMN BATHROOM."**

Shenron looked down the hallway. Passing Porunga, he slid down to open the bathroom door with his teeth and look inside. "It looks okay in here to me."

"**I CAN'T GET TO IT, YOU IDIOT. MY SHOULDER SPIKES."**

"Oh, I see. Why would anyone need those accessories on their shoulders like that? It's just stupid." And somewhere in the world, Vegeta's old Saiyan outfit sneezed. "So what do you expect me to do about it?"

"…**ER… JUST… FUCK. I GUESS I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IT. CAN YOU JUST WAIT HERE WHILE I GO GET THE MANAGEMENT?"**

Shenron would have shrugged and nodded if he had any shoulders. Instead, he just nodded. Porunga took off and met the landlord as she was getting ready to leave for the day. **"I CAN'T FIT THROUGH THE HALLWAY. IS THIS COVERED ON THE LEASE AGREEMENT?"**

The landlord looked thoughtful, putting a claw up to her chin. "Erm, no. I didn't think there would need to be a caveat for that."

"**WELL, I'M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO TAKE A PISS WITHOUT LOSING THE SECURITY DEPOSIT. SO, HERE WE ARE."**

"Tell you what. I'll get someone to come over and take a look in about an hour."

"**BUT WHERE WILL I PISS?"**

"Pardon?"

"**WHERE AM I GOING TO DRAIN THE LITTLE DRAGON?"**

"Well, there's a convenience store down the street about a block."

()()()

Meanwhile, Shenron was nudging and mouth-carrying his luggage to the smaller bedroom where he would be staying for a year. He packed light- the only thing he brought with him was a doggy chew (because he couldn't brush his teeth, for reasons that should be obvious to you by now), a pillow and an inflatable mattress. It was perfect for those situations where you're an eternal dragon who's lying dormant for many lonely years until someone gathers seven magic dragon balls to summon you and ask you for a wish. Admittedly not a very common situation, but nevertheless important to prepare for.

"Now all I have to do is blow it up and… well, I hope that works out. This thing hasn't been used since I bought it… and my mouth's pretty big. So are my teeth… I might pop a hole in it, and then I'm going to have to sleep on the floor… curse it, why couldn't I be allowed to bring my dragon balls with me?! That would have made everything so much easier. But noooo, we have to live in an apartment on the Planet Plot Convenience, so we can always be in contact with each other." Shenron sighed after his little quiet tantrum. "I'd better go ask Porunga if he can help."

()()()

Meanwhile, at the convenience store…

"**WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, YOU DON'T HAVE A BATHROOM?" **Porunga boomed in a mighty voice. **"CONVENIENT, MY SCALY GREEN ASS!"**

"Sir," the cashier began with a faltering smile, "if you had read our sign out front a little bit more carefully, you would have seen that it read 'Plot Convenience Store.'"

"**ALRIGHT. WELL, HERE'S THE PLOT: IN ABOUT ONE MINUTE, I AM GOING TO PARK MY TAIL UP YOUR ASS UNLESS YOU LET ME IN THE BACK TO USE YOUR EMPLOYEE BATHROOM."**

"We don't have one of those, either."

"**WHAT."**

"Yeah, we don't."

Porunga glared the cashier down for a tense moment. **"WOW. NOW I JUST FEEL SORRY FOR YOU. IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN DO TO GET A BATHROOM?"**

"Well, we could try talking to the manager…" the cashier frowned. "If we hadn't already tried that like fifty times. I mean, I wish we could have a bathroom, but since he's such a… tight… ass… what the hell?!"

No, the cashier wasn't freaking out because he was thinking about the manager's tight ass, although he did indeed have one. No, it was because of the ominous red glowing that appeared in Porunga's eyes as he was finishing his sentence.

"Your wish has been granted."

With a terrible crash, a large cube crashed through the ceiling and crushed the hapless cashier to death. Porunga snapped out of his trance and looked at the scene in front of him with an emotion he had never faced before in his life- horror.

()()()

Back at the apartment, Shenron looked at the toilet and wondered how he was supposed to use it. He was used to just spewing his waste wherever he wanted and thanking the gods on the Kai planets that his sense of smell had failed him a long time ago. But this strange, tiny bowl with terrible-tasting water in it was as foreign to him as deodorant was to Vegeta. That fool stinks.

"**HOLY SHEN, SHITRON!" **screamed Porunga after he burst through the front door, almost knocking it off of its hinges.

Shenron exhaled sharply. He was starting to feel like a parent whose child was some manic cross between the Tazmanian Devil and an idiot. "What is it now, Porunga? Did you get to use the bathroom?"

"**YEAH, THERE'S NO NEED FOR THAT ANYMORE, BECAUSE I LEFT A TRAIL OF WASTE BEHIND ME THE ENTIRE WAY UP HERE."**

"That's pretty sick. You better not have tracked any on the carpet."

"**WE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT RIGHT NOW, SHENRON. GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE RIGHT NOW AND LOOK AT WHAT I DID."**

"Gross, dude, I don't want to look at your snail trail."

Porunga was fed up. He hammered his fist against the wall next to the hallway opening, scaring the hell out of Shenron. "What on earth?! Was that a bomb or something?!"

"No, Shenron. But I did something far, far worse."

()()()

"Okay, so you murdered a cashier by dropping a bathroom on top of his head," Shenron said at the scene of the crime. "I have to admit, that's not something that happens every day."

"**IT'S NOT SOMETHING THAT HAPPENS EVER!" **Porunga yelled. **"I AM A MURDERER! I HAVE BLOOD ON MY HANDS! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S LIKE?"**

Shenron glared at Porunga handlessly. **"OH YEAH, I FORGOT. SORRY."**

"You have a lot more to be sorry about, man. How could something like this even happen?"

"**I DON'T KNOW, MAN!" **Porunga put his face into his hands and sobbed quietly. Well, not quietly, but by comparison, y'know. **"HE AND I WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT BATHROOMS, AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW…"**

"So, wait. How did the conversation go exactly? Do you remember any of it?"

"**SHENRON, I JUST WATCHED A BATHROOM FALL OUT OF THE SKY AND KILL A MAN. I BARELY EVEN REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE OR WHY YOU'RE ARE. SEE, LOOK AT THAT! I CAN'T EVEN GRAMMAR A SENTENCE RIGHT NO MORES!"**

Shenron walked into the actual bathroom itself so he could inspect the tiles on the inside. Porunga paced the aisles and fought off hyperventilation. "Say, come here and take a look at this, Porunga."

Porunga audibly refused to do so, Shenron didn't even have to turn around. "Porunga, are you just going to wander around the aisles like a big baby or are you going to help me figure this shit out?"

"**OH FUCK OFF. NO ONE KNOWS WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE THE BAD MAN."**

"To be the sad man behind blue eyes," Shenron finished, "yeah, I know, I know. Your eyes are red, so come over here already."

Porunga gave in and took a spot next to Shenron. "Take a look at this tile right here."

"**I DON'T SEE WHAT THE HOLYSHITFUCKAAAAA"**

On the tile, scratched in as if it were a bit of graffiti, were these words: "The first gift from the Wish Council, to Porunga."

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God."

Shenron repeated himself like an aspiring Howard Hughes. Porunga leered at the writing on the tile as if expecting it to leap out and attack. **"WELL. I CERTAINLY DIDN'T EXPECT THEM. THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING."**

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Dude. We are so screwed, what are we going to-"

Porunga slapped Shenron, then paused. "Okay, now do me."

But Shenron couldn't. For, you see, he did not have arms.

**TO BE CONTINUED**


	2. Shenron's Limbs & A Stranger at the Door

**Disclaimer: I just wrote a 15k word fanfic about someone going crazy because they saw what was under Double D's hat. I don't remember my name anymore, never mind what I'm writing about.**

"Did I ever tell you about the time I used to have arms and legs?" Shenron asked Porunga back at their apartment.

"**NO. YOU HAVE NOT."**

"Well, it was back a few years ago, right," Shenron started, and Porunga's eyes, were they more emotive to begin with, would have betrayed his irritation. He was in no mood. "I think it was about three. I was just hanging out in my dragon balls, same shit different day, when this guy summons me…"

()()()

"_COME FORTH AND GRANT MY WISH, ETERNAL DRAGON!" The blonde, chubby man yelled at the top of his lungs at a set of orange balls in his backyard. At his request, or part of it, the sky blackened and Shenron erupted from a massive glow that permeated from all seven balls._

"_I am the eternal dragon," he said. "Make your wishes, and I shall grant them."_

"_Sweet! I get two right?"_

"_Yes. You can thank Dende, the guardian of Earth, for that. No one thanks him for much, so he'll appreciate it."_

"_Okay. I have my first wish: why do you have arms and legs?"_

"_Uh…" Shenron dipped his head down slightly to get a closer look at the mysterious stranger. "That's not a wish, that's a question. And why are you naked?"_

"_Well, why are you naked, motherfucker?!" the stranger shot back. "This is my backyard!"_

"_I'm a giant lizard!"_

"_Which brings us back to where we were: I wish you would tell me why you have arms and legs!"_

_Shenron growled. "Fine. Someone a few hundred years ago wished for me to have very small arms and legs. I never really use them that much, but I guess they come in-"_

"_Never really use them, you say?" The stranger interrupted. "Well, give 'em to me then!"_

"_What?! Why the hell would you even want them?!"_

"_Look, man, there's been a backscratcher shortage recently, and I'm pretty hard up, not even gonna lie. So I wish, for my second wish, that you would give me your arms and legs!"_

_Shenron hesitated. He tried to rattle his brain for any kind of loophole he could use to get him out of doing this. But as he looked down at the increasingly impatient expression on this man's face, he realized how cornered he was. _

"_Fine. Your wish has been granted."_

()()()

"And there you have it," sighed Shenron. "Pretty fucked up right?"

"**SO A HUMAN FORCED YOU TO DISMEMBER YOURSELF?" **Porunga replied. **"THAT'S PRETTY FUCKED UP. MAKES ME GLAD I'M A NAMEKIAN DRAGON, ALL THE NAMEKIANS EVER ASK FOR IS WATER. WATER AND SUNS. THOSE GREEN NUTJOBS SURE DO LOVE THEIR SUNLIGHT."**

"Yeah. But-"

"**WAIT, WHY THE FUCK ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS?! WE NEED TO BE DELIBERATING WITH THOSE UPTIGHT BASTARDS FROM THE WISH COUNCIL RIGHT NOW! CONTACT THEM!"**

"Fuck that, I don't want to contact them, you do it!"

Porunga ducked his head, putting his hand in front of his eyes like in that one exasperated Picard meme picture. **"ONE OF US IS GOING TO HAVE TO, AND WE ALREADY PLAYED ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS THREE TIMES OVER IT."**

"I don't have hands to play that with!"

"**WHICH IS WHY YOU TOOK BETS ON WHICH ONE OF THE THREE I WOULD PLAY!"**

"Oh, I forgot. That was so lame I tried to block it out of my memory."

"**SAYS MR. BRIGHT IDEAS, OVER HERE. IF BY 'BRIGHT,' I MEANT 'NO.'"**

Shenron glared at Porunga. "I do not have fucking arms. If you're going to have to dial the number and hold it to my ear, it's already more trouble than just you talking to them."

"…**I'M NOT IN THE MOOD. PUT IT OFF 'TIL LATER."**

They sat in silence inside their still empty living room, both of them wondering how this little arrangement was going to even work. Then Porunga got a call on his cell phone. **"YES," **he answered. **"PORUNGA SPEAKING."**

Shenron left his leaning spot on the opposite side of the living room to get as close to the phone as he could without making himself or Porunga uncomfortable. Porunga looked over at Shenron, who was nearly leaned into him like a clingy girlfriend, and shook his head, pressing speaker-phone.

"…and whale barf," said the man on the other end of the call, evidently finishing a sentence.

"I didn't get any of that," Shenron said.

"Is that Shenron?!" The man on the other end of the phone sounded excited. "How ya doing, man?!"

"David?!" Shenron said, just as excited. "Man, what's going on?! I haven't heard from you since-"

"**LOOK," **Porunga boomed over the two of them, easily overpowering their conversation, suffocating in its crib before it could grow into something out of control. **"IF YOU TWO WANT TO TALK, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER TIME, BECAUSE I'M EXPECTING A CALL. DAVID, I HAVE TO LET YOU GO."**

"Oh, that sucks. Bye Shen!"

"Bye, Dave," grumbled Shenron.

The second Porunga flipped his stone-age cellphone shut, Shenron started in. "Why did you cut us off, you ass?! You know the Wish Council doesn't call us, we have to call them."

"**HOW THE HELL DID DAVID GET MY NUMBER?" **Porunga countered. **"HE'S YOUR FRIEND!"**

"No idea. He has his sources."

"**SUCH AS YOU. DICK. LISTEN, IF YOU WANT TO HANG OUT WITH DAVID, I DON'T CARE, BUT I DON'T LIKE THE GUY AND YOU GIVING HIM MY CELLPHONE NUMBER PISSES ME OFF!"**

"Come on, he likes you!"

"**WELL, THAT'S HIS PROBLEM!"**

Porunga went to the kitchen and opened the fridge, then when he saw there was nothing in it, shut it right back.

"**I HAVE TO GO GET FOOD. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK," **Porunga said to Shenron as he pouted in the corner. **"TRY NOT TO INVITE DAVID OVER AND TEAR UP THE PLACE."**

"Oh, fuck you! I wish you'd get shot!"

Porunga's hand stopped at the doorknob. His head twisted nearly 180 degrees to look at Shenron with crushing levels of contempt. **"REMEMBER THE WISH COUNCIL?"**

Shenron gasped. He tried to cover his mouth with his hands, but he had nothing resembling a hands. I put that last "s" there on purpose, grammar fuckers. "I didn't mean to-"

"**I'M GOING OUT," **Porunga stressed again, **"AND IF I ACTUALLY GET SHOT ON THE WAY THERE, IT'S YOUR ASS I'M SHOVING THE BULLET UP AFTER I GET OUT OF THE HOSPITAL."**

Shenron, all of the fight having been sucked out of him, nodded meekly. Porunga reached for the doorknob again, but then there was a knock.

Both dragons flinched away from the door, with Porunga moving away from it like it was a scorpion. And really, it could very well have been. A scorpion with a gun to shoot Porunga with.

"I'll answer it," Shenron said softly. "Out of my way."

Porunga didn't argue with him. Instead, he moved to the kitchen and ducked slightly behind the separating bar between the living room and kitchen. Shenron went to the door, knowing that while the bullet wouldn't kill him- like one bullet could kill a huge, magical dragon- it'd hurt. Especially if they shot his eye, then he'd actually look like he had a pupil in that eye! Fearing the idea that he might become somewhat more emotive, he turned the knob.

"Hello, Shenron, I'm from the Wish Council," a dragon that resembled Porunga but with legs and curved horns said. "I have a delivery for you both. It's a contract that you need to have signed by tomorrow."

Porunga pushed Shenron out of the way and took the package. "You bastards!"

"Ah! That reminds me!" Not-Porunga took out a gun from behind his back and shot Porunga.

**TO BE CONTINUED**


End file.
